Stand up for what you believe!

Sometimes in life people will try to guilt you into doing things that make life more convenient for them but, not necessarily for you. A good example is when you help out/volunteer your time at a non profit organization and people are constantly trying to tell you that you don't do anything or that you surely have enough time in the day to do more since THEY do xyz (whatever it is they do) and SURELY you have the time too! What other people do is not your concern nor should you let in weigh on your conscience! God made you YOU and not Joe Blew for a reason! He wants you to do EXACTLY what he asked you to not more not less. Who cares if Judy Garland could have a family and do humanitarian work (I don't know if she did) but, that's not the point! She OD-ed on drugs! Why? Because she was not happy! She was not happy and she was rich, famous, beautiful and yet she didn't have a reason to live! Why? Because she was not doing what she was meant to do!!! Maybe she did too much! Maybe she felt lost in Hollywood. Who knows! The point is, it is not what you have, what you look like, who you know, how many friends you have, how beautiful you are, you can NOT be happy if you are going around trying to be and do what everybody else is and does! Be yourself and make no excuse or apology. Give the baby a bottle if he/she doesn't like it! :)

I dream of Jesus

About a month ago, I had a very real and very personal dream about what I feel God is telling me I need in my life. I often feel like I am missing something and so, I seek God. This particular time I had just come off of a long fast where I ate what we think that Daniel ate in Babalonia where he was held captive and then latter made a dignitary. Here is a letter that I wrote to some very close friends of mine. I later read the letter to my husband. It is a deeply personal story for me.

Dear Friends,

If you have recived this letter know that I trust you and I am sharing this with you because I feel like God has laid it on my heart to do so. I hope and pray that through God's grace this will be a blessing in your life. I have not even told my husband what I am about to tell you. I know that the topic that I am going to talk about is something that many women struggle with and I have struggled with it for as long as I can remember! I still struggle!

Recently, I have gotten questions by friends or people that I know saying things like, "I am in a relationship and everything is perfect but I am always struggling with male attention." or "I love my husband but, I still find other men atractive and wounder if I would be better off with them and not my husband. I feel so guilty!" Here is my response to a dear friend.

I know exactly how you feel! I have always felt like this! When I was unmarried I never thought of it as being a problem to like having men flirt or give me attention but, now I am married and I know that needing another man's attention is not good for me or my marriage.

In my own spiritual life I feel like God has shown me more and more that I desire men's attention because I struggle with issues from my childhood that involve my father. 1. I never felt like I was good enough for my earthly father 2. My earthly father gave me attentions that a father should not give a daughter. This has left me very confused up to very recently in my life. But, recently God has shown me that my deepest desires are truly for HIM. God created a woman to desire the PERFECT man and no earthly man can live up to that expectation.

I often find that I am most attracted to men in leadership. Men who love God and men who want to help others grow in God. I find it difficult not to desire these men and I have prayed and cried long hours over this. One night I had a very strange dream. At first it disturbed me and was quite creeped out but, after I thought about it's meaning I really felt that it was a gift from God. So, I will tell it to you. :)

In my dream, I met a very handsome man who was truly "on fire" (very passionate -I don't know if you use this phrase in German or not...) for God. He was olive complected, dark hair and eyes the color of deep amber. He was absolutely the most handsome man I have ever seen. His masculinity and deep soul took my breath away! When he smiled it was like the sun was shining and his teeth were beautiful and white. In his eyes was kindness and passionate love all at once. I remember in my dream running from him and trying to hide yet no matter where I would go he would pursue me and find me; loving me without anger because I ran. There was not guilt in me from hiding just this overwhelming knowledge that this man loved me more than I could ever love him in return. When I would give into his love he would spoil me with long talks while we would lounge in soft comfort and he would rub my hair. If I needed anything he would run to get it for me instantly. He was more kind than he should be and he pursued me tirelessly! I was frightened in my dream that he was trying to trick me into doing something terrible (maybe he wanted to sell me as a prostitute or a drug mule) but, when he would turn and smile I could see no wickedness inside him. I remember yearning in my dream that a "real man" could love me so and I heard a voice "this will never be" and I woke up crying. My first thought was "God! Why have you done this to me?! Why have you shown me perfect love yet now you also tell me that I can never have it?!" He answered saying "I never said that you could not have perfect love." So I questioned Him again "But, you said 'this can never be'!" And God said "Yes A MAN will never love you this way." So, I got angry "I know! A MAN will never love me this way! So, now I know what it feels like to be loved but, I will never get that love!" It felt like God was smiling in humor "My dearest child, I love you! I have given you PERFECTION and you want a MAN?! You have true, romantic love in JESUS and you want a man?!" Then it dawned on me what my dream really meant and I was ashamed that I could chase anything or anyone besides my Lord. It is this dream that keeps me knowing that no matter how long I live on earth I will never be satisfied with the love or attention of a man. It is THE MAN JESUS that I desire and long for and no one else will ever take his place. Not even if I try to make it so. I can pursue the love of my husband, I can try to make him love me more or appreciate me the way that I want but, Kevin will not and neither will any other man, ever love me the way Jesus loves me. And I will NEVER love Jesus the way He so passionately loves me!

Revelation 19: 11 I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. 12 HIS EYES ARE LIKE BLAZING FIRE, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. 13He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and HIS NAME IS THE Word of God.

I hope this helps! I still desire my husbands attention. I think we will always want a man/men to love us. It is a natural thing that God created. If we were not attracted to men we certainly would not give birth to there babies!!! ha ha :) But, it is so comforting to know that our deepest longing are truly fulfilled in Jesus! :)

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! 

oh here is a photo of amber that reminds me of the beautiful eyes I saw in my dream...

"Don't know what you got till it's gone"

My train of thought often comes from things around me but, if you are around me I often seem pretty random. Today I am thinking of this song that Bob Dylan sang but, I like this version where the actual writer of the song sings it. (you can listen here)

YouTube

We, as humains, don't seem to live like we mean it until something huge happens. A family member dies, our significant other looses a big job, we loose all of our possessions, we are forced to move to a place where we really do have to start over and it crushes our world. Just reminds me of this song! We really don't seem to know what we have until it's gone. Why? Why do we wait to be content when we don't have "it" anymore? Why do we wait to follow God with all that we have till we are terminally ill? What are we chasing that is so important?! I gotta tell you! I don't want to go about life doing all the "important things" just to wake up someday and realize that my kids are gone. I don't want my kids to be grown adults and realize that I never got to spend time with them the way that I wanted to or that they pretty much live life without me because I didn't pour into there lives the way that a parent should. As a mom I feel like I get allot of flack to be that "perfect house wife" (not from my husband because if you knew him he gives me the opposite kind of pressure) but, I guess I feel like people outside in society feel like it's my job to keep the house clean, teach my kids, do the laundry... you know, be Martha Stewart. And I guess sometimes when I am paying attention to my house I get close but, those are the times when I neglect my kids. So, I guess I need to officially apologize to society now and get it over with. I am not Martha Stewart and I have no desire to be... ambitions can take you places you never thought they could go... like jail. I am going to be the hippie momma who forgets school somedays because the sky is blue and my kids need some time to put there toes in the grass and smell the fresh air. I am going to be the mom who plays outside and gets dirty too. I am not saying that I want to neglect my kids education but, seriously! Where in the world do people get the notion that education is the end all be all?! Why can't kids just be kids?! We send them off the school for the first 24 years of there lives. They are pent up in buildings and then we wonder why they grow up to be grown ups who have no time for people, who are depressed and often get divorced. Is this really what we want our kids growing up to be?! Doesn't sound like "paradise" to me! I don't think that is the image that most kids have dreams of growing up to be! Yet, we are not changing the "factory" that we are putting all of our kids through. If we put them all through the same rigors how can we expect them to turn out like anyone different than "normal". It was Albert Einstein who said that the definition of Insanity is doing the same thing  over and over again and expecting different results. Our society is officially insane! :) I don't want my kids to grow up rich. Our country is rich enough! I don't want my kids to forget God

Proverbs 30:8-9 (Amplified Bible)

⁸Remove far from me falsehood and lies; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me,

    ⁹Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God.^(A)

I don't want my kids to forget God like so many in our country have! I would not be upset if my kids  did have riches, it's just not something that I dream of for my kids. I dream for them to be happy, to be fulfilled with doing what God created them to be! I dream for them a beautiful relationship with God that I can only try to imagine! But, that is "it" for me! The "it" that I think we are all missing; A real, loving and romantic relationship with Jesus Christ. Yep, I just jumped from "random" to "raging lunatic" :) It's ok. I will be more undignified that this for the glory of my God! :)